Do I need a tutor for my young child?

Most of the time, the answer is no.

Ironically, there are so many answers to that controversial question, but for many of us, the answer is no. Are we worried about the development of our children? Yes. Are we worried that if they don’t master (sight words, blends, subtraction facts, chapter books) by a certain age, they will never catch up? Of course we are concerned. We are parents (and teachers and well-meaning grandparents and friends). That’s what we do. However, the fact that you as a parent are seeking out a tutor implies that you are doing what you need to do as a parent. Unfortunately, it’s the parents who assume that a child only learns from a teacher that is in the most danger as he or she grows up. But, I digress…

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If your child is having difficulties – whether with reading or school in general – I would like to recommend that you read two books before seeking out a tutor. From a personal standpoint (and as a Montessori teacher and homeschool parent), these books have been immensely life-changing for my own family. The first book is called Mindset and it’s written by Dr. Carol Dweck.

Dweck is an educational psychologist who studies how and why children succeed in school and life. To sum up her main argument, she found that those people who had a “growth mindset” were more successful in life. A growth mindset encompasses a train of thought that embraces challenges (rather than shying away from them because “they just aren’t my strength”). This mindset also sees effort as the path to mastery, accepts criticism as a way of learning, and finds lessons and inspiration in the success of others. It also tells us why we should never praise our children for being smart or assume that someone else just has “natural talent.”

So, when your child comes home from school on Friday, and you ask how they did on the spelling test, you say, “How did you feel about the spelling test? Did you try your hardest? Were you happy with your results?” You ask this, rather than praising them for only getting 1 wrong, or get angry about them getting 3 wrong. Then, you make a mental note to talk about those words and their meanings at dinnertime (with your spouse) and perhaps your child will join in and point out what she did wrong.

The other book I would recommend (especially for the oldest and only children) is The Birth Order Book by Dr. Kevin Lehman. This book is invaluable for helping those of us firstborns to recognize our own shortcomings as perfectionists with a fear of failure. And, for those of you who are not firstborns, it will help you to recognize why your own firstborn, or only child is struggling (in school, in dance, at home, in homeschool, etc.). They look to the adults as peers and find it exceedingly frustrating that you make it look so darn easy!

In my family, we found these two books extremely useful in helping our energetic and independent-thinking eldest son. We have a printout of the lessons of the growth mindset and routinely invoke that in discussions (with him, with ourselves, at dinner, etc.) We are constantly challenging ourselves to become better – even if it is hard. And, to be able to recognize when it is just a difficult phase of learning – or if perhaps this isn’t that important after all? (A side note: we found this worked well at age 7 and above).

Before engaging a tutor, check out the above-mentioned books and discover if you recognize those behaviors in your children (and yourself). Then, use the helpful hints given in the book to change YOUR mindset and YOUR praise and assistance to help your child overcome his fear. And, if you find that you have changed your mindset and your child is ready to advance her knowledge, then you can happily engage a tutor, and know that your money will be well-spent!